Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

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Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby Ranalcus » Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:28 pm

Dear users, would you like to participate in a Busou Shinki CYOA style story?
I could do that for you, if there would be anyone who want to read it/choose the "routes" just like in Japanese Visual Novels!
:3
Would you like to be a Hero/Master?
Ranalcus
 

Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby alebravo6 » Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:06 am

Oh, yes. Many times yes.
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Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby Ranalcus » Mon Oct 08, 2012 4:37 am

Ok, we can start.
I will post new fragment after receiving at least 3 responses from you guys and gals.


Year 20xx
After all this years spend living with yours parents now you are free. You are a university student once again after failing the first year of it last time... After some problems with finding and renting a flat, you have found the perfect place. Cheap, 3 room, 10 minutes by foot from campus. But there is a tiny, tiny problem... You need a roommate or two, ASAP. Yours funds are melting like snowman inside a microwave (yes, you have done that once, when you was a kid). You will unpack all yours stuff later, now you simply don't want too, there are more things to do now. You entered the kitchen, small and old one. That flat have only one problem thats why it is cheap. Vermin, during the night the whole flat lives. But the last owner have said that after few weeks, you will stop notice them. Yeah, right...
You can hear that your phone rings (old Final Fantasy battle tune) and yes, like always it is yours mother.
- Yes, mom? No, mom I don't need it, i have my own. Yes, yes. Aha, I will buy it. No I haven't seen neighbors yet, only a cockroaches. No. don't panic, I will buy spray and traps. Yes, Yes, aha.
She simply could talk like that for hours. After explaining her that now you are quite busy you turned off your phone, closed the door and went outside to the shopping district. You have to get rid of those things... Hard and bloody battle it will be.
Shinkis there are everywhere, you can see different models and different people using them, old and you, office workers and high school kids. You have never had a Shinki, but you played with them few times. Most of yours friends have them, sometimes even few of them in theirs collection. You have always preferred non-jointed figurines of anime characters and plastic models of different robots form old series. You can see through the shop windows that they have even a 1/12 scale clothes for them. You think how a grown man could buy a doll clothes. But yours model kit builder and anime figurine collector soul burns, burns like the hell itself. You look inside your pockets, you could afford cheaper Shinki if you simply pay for the apartment rent later.
You walk into nearest shop wit robot toys. You feel the weight of money you have in you pockets. New toy or a rent, toy or a rent, toy or a beautiful, well sculpted robotic girl? Your mother will simply kill you.
Clerk looks at you with a smile. A woman in her 30's with long blond hair, and really nice and heart warming brown eyes.
- How I can help you, sir? We have now a promotion, all our products are 10% cheaper, please take a look.
You see that there is a few other people buying Shinki here. Cat Shinki, Dog Shinki, animals-that-I-don't-know Shinki. Ehh.. somebody here likes animals too much. Oh! A tank one! This one is really nice and... it cost a lot, a LOT. Why it cost so much? Is it made of gold and children hopes?
- Sir, you maybe need some help with choosing you first one? Yes i can see that you are new to Shinki stuff.
- Do you have something cheaper, much more cheaper? And yes I am new to the hobby. But I have build some model kits in my life.
- Oh thats great, so maybe you want a "naked" body? They are cheap and we still have some of them in stock, they are selling well for customizers. We also have wigs for them.
- Wigs? Like in DOLLS? Why not a plastic hair?
- Old versions had them, but now all of them have wigs, they look more natural this way, Sir.
You count the money, then once again. You are not sure if this was a good idea to start.
- Sir do you have a "cradle" for them?
- Cradle?
- A charger for them, you have to buy it, if you wan to use Shinki. Oh and please beware , there were some problems with people downloading illegal content into Shinki, that can damage them, even permanently. But, don't worry they learn really fast
- Oh, ok. So I will take that cradle, grey wig and a small body naked Shinki, I have an idea.
You still have those huge piles of model kits, plastic sheets and other stuff from the years when you were building model kits of mecha and tanks.
Your heart cries, your wallet even more. But now you are happy, happy and poor. Instant soup for dinner, that what will wait for you now.
You will buy anti-bug spray later, or just do it like that old anime, about small robots exterminating bugs.
Running for more than 30 minutes, made you exhausted, and now climbing up to 5th floor will make even more. You rush into your room, unpacking all stuff that you bought earlier. Now you have to find you model kit tools, spare parts and scratchbuild materials.
Digging in you packages takes nearly an hour, but you found it, like always in the last box you been searching.
You will fight fire with fire.


I hope that you liked it. It is my first time writing a story in English. You will have to wait for the next part, because my friend will draw an art of this custom shinki for me. Please post comments. If there is anyone who could help me please say it.
Ranalcus
 

Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby alebravo6 » Mon Oct 08, 2012 9:00 am

Looking good so far. I´ll wait until I see more.
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Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby Klinkin » Mon Oct 08, 2012 9:41 am

The content itself is interesting, but...no offense, but it really shows that this is your first time writing a story in English, which is obviously not your first language. It's not bad, per se, but there's enough grammatical errors to frequently interrupt the flow of the story for the reader. Probably the biggest one is the lack of quotation marks; the whole hyphen thing really doesn't work. Here's an example of what I feel it should look more like:

The clerk looks at you with a smile. A woman in her 30's with long blond hair, and really nice, heartwarming brown eyes.
"How I can help you, sir? We're currently running a sale; 10% of everything. Please take a look."
You see that there are a few other people buying Shinkis here. Cat Shinkis, Dog Shinkis, animals-that-I-don't-know Shinkis. Somebody here likes animals too much. Oh! A tank one! This one is really nice and...it cost a lot. QUITE a lot. Why would it cost so much? Is it made of gold? The hopes and dreams of small children?
"Sir, I can see that you're new to Shinkis. Do you need help choosing your first model?"
"Do you have something cheap? As in, really cheap? I am new to the hobby, but I've build some model kits before."
"Oh, that's great! Perhaps you would be interested in an MMS Naked? They're cheap and great for modellers. You're in luck; we still have some in stock. They're very popular with customizers. We also carry a wide selection of wigs for them."

A few other quick notes: Sentences have two spaces between them, not one (People are getting REALLY lax about this, even in schools, but I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi. So sue me.), make sure to watch your noun-verb plurality agreement ("they are", not "they is"), and keep an eye out for sentences that just seem clunky. Also, I'm pretty sure the English plural of "Shinki" is "Shinkis" (it's a Japanese word, which means that there's no Japanese plural form, so since it's a proper noun, just stick an "s" on the end).

That said, the content definitely has me interested enough to read more. I await the next installment!
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Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby Ranalcus » Mon Oct 08, 2012 9:59 am

Thank you kind Sir.
I need a proofreader.
Ranalcus
 

Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby icemsn » Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:09 am

could this be continued maybe? if no one else is willing I might be up for trying it
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Re: Busou Shinki "Choose Your Own Adventure" style story/rpg

Postby icemsn » Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:29 pm

a lil touchup rewrite I did of it, hope that's ok, if not I'm sorry :strarf:



Year 20xx
After all these years spend living with your parents now you are free. You are a university student once again after failing the first year of it last time... After some problems with finding and renting a flat, you have found the perfect place. Cheap, 3 room, 10 minutes by foot from campus. But there is a tiny, tiny problem... You need a roommate or two, ASAP. Your funds are melting like snowman inside a microwave (yes, you have done that once, when you were a kid).
You will unpack all your stuff later, now you simply don't want too, there are more things to do now. You enter the kitchen, small and old one. That flat has only one problem that’s why it is cheap. Vermin! During the night the whole flat lives. But the last owner said that after few weeks, you would stop noticing them. Yeah, right...
You can hear that your phone rings (old Final Fantasy battle tune) and yes, like always it is yours mother.
“Yes, mom? No, mom I don't need it, I have my own. Yes, yes. Okay, I will buy it. No I haven't seen neighbors yet, only a few cockroaches. No. don't panic, I will buy spray and traps. Yes, yes, okay.”
She simply could talk like that for hours. After explaining her that now you are quite busy you turned off your phone, closed the door and went outside to the shopping district. You have to get rid of those things... Hard and bloody battle it will be.
Shinki, they are everywhere, you can see different models and different people using them, old and young, office workers and high school kids. You have never had a Shinki, but you played with them few times. Most of yours friends have them, sometimes even a few of them in their collections. You have always preferred non-jointed figurines of anime characters and plastic models of different robots form old series. You can see through the shop windows that they have even a 1/12 scale clothes for them. You think how a grown man could buy a doll clothes. But yours model kit builder and anime figurine collector soul burns, burns like the hell itself. You look inside your pockets; you could afford cheaper Shinki if you simply pay for the apartment rent later.
You walk into nearest shop with robot toys. You feel the weight of money you have in your pockets. New toy or a rent, toy or a rent, toy or a beautiful, well sculpted robotic girl? Your mother will simply kill you.
The clerk looks at you with a smile. A woman in her 30's with long blond hair, and really nice and heartwarming brown eyes.
“How I can help you, sir? We are currently running a promotion, all our products are 10% cheaper, please take a look.”
You see that there are a few other people buying Shinki here. Cat Shinki, Dog Shinki, animals-that-I-don't-know Shinki. Eh... somebody here likes animals too much. Oh! A tank one! This one is really nice and... it costs a lot, a LOT. Why it cost so much? Is it made of gold and children hopes?
“Sir, you maybe need some help with choosing you first one? Yes i can see that you are new to Shinki stuff.”
“Do you have something cheaper, much cheaper? And yes I am new to the hobby. But I have built some model kits in my life.”
“Oh that’s great, so maybe you want a ‘naked’ body? They are cheap and we still have some of them in stock, they are selling well for customizers. We also have wigs for them.”
“Wigs? Like in DOLLS? Why not plastic hair?”
“Old versions had them, but now all of them have wigs, they look more natural this way, Sir.”
You count the money, then once again. You are not sure if this was a good idea to start.
“Sir do you have a "cradle" for them?”
“Cradle?”
“A charger for them, you have to buy it, if you want to use Shinki. Oh and please be aware, there were some problems with people downloading illegal content into Shinki that can damage them, even permanently. But, don't worry they learn really fast.”
“Oh, ok. So I will take that cradle, grey wig and a small body naked Shinki, I have an idea.”
You still have those huge piles of model kits, plastic sheets and other stuff from the years when you were building model kits of mecha and tanks.
Your heart cries, your wallet even more. But now you are happy, happy and poor. Instant soup for dinner, that’s what will await you at home, now.
You will buy bug spray later, or just do it like that old anime, about small robots exterminating bugs.
Running for more than 30 minutes made you exhausted, and now climbing up to the 5th floor will make you even more. You rush into your room, unpacking all stuff that you bought earlier. Now you have to find you model kit tools, spare parts and scratchbuild materials. Digging in your packages takes nearly an hour, but you found it, like always in the last box you searched.
Time to fight fire with fire…


To Be Continued…Maybe
icemsn
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